It’s Perfectly Normal.

Most of us here at Agony are pretty normal. 

It’s perfectly normal for VeggieRachana to subsist on three leafs of romaine and three green peas alone, and run 5 marathons a year.  It’s perfectly normal that LisaLisa has antifreeze instead of regular hemoglobin in her system.  It’s perfectly normal that Mr. Tom’s karma powers had separated the ocean and stopped Sandy Surge from ruining his home.  It’s perfectly normal that Xena is actually Dorian Gray.

But from the eye of a non-runner, some things these perfectly normal Agnoites do are not.  As runners, it’s important for us to understand and note these "normally abonormal behaviors",  so that we can adjust our actions and prevent unnecessary back lash, like poo-throwing, you know. 

We think ALL of the below is perfectly normal.  However, for non-runners, it’s not.

1)      It’s not normal to wear obnoxious tights.  When we look at this picture, we don’t see anything wrong with it.  Apparently, non-runners think it’s strange.

2)      It’s not normal to think “ahhhh massage” when you look upon a tennis ball, a softball, or a baseball.  Those are items for another sport.  It’s not massage trigger releasers.

3)      Hey, did you guys know it’s not normal to drink flame retardant?

4)      Apparently, it’s not normal to have some part or another of your body to hurt at any given time.  That’s why there is a large market in pain killers.  We don’t know what “pain free” means.

5)      It’s not normal to sit on items mentioned in #2 during your normal business hours in your normal business chairs.  You will end up scaring your clients/co-workers and get the suspicious look:  “WTH is this person doing with a tennis ball between their legs?”

6)      According to FDA it’s not normal nor recommended to eat a pound of pasta in one sitting.  Although...tons of non-running folks do it all the time.  In this aspect, non-runners are not normal.  We, runners, don’t deep fry our macaroni.

7)      Running 26.2 miles, pushing yourself to near-death is not “something fun to do” for most normal people.  Being unable to even go down a flight of stairs post marathon is not normal either.  On a similar note, to trade sweet, sweet, sleep for a 20 mile slogging in Central Park in near freezing/heat wave is incomprehensible for non-runners.

8)      Even for some runners, but definitely for all non-runners, SNOT BOMBS are not normal nor is it acceptable good manners.

9)      Don’t say “I did LSD again this weekend.”  That’s not something normal to non-runners.  They’ll think you took a psychotic drug…and wonder, “This guy runs marathons – how can he be tripping every weekend??”

10)   To many, many, many non-runner girls, it’s unacceptable that we easily spend $120-150 every other month on those brightly colored BEAUTIFUL neon shoes. 

Finally, even to us runners, wearing obnoxious gear during a serious marathon race is...well, just obnoxious.  We especially don’t like tutus.

Random Acts of Running 7

Whoa what a week last week was!  2 big controversies that got me so worked up, I sped up on my mile 18 and 19 “recovery/cool down” part of the long run!!

+Sarcasm On+

Controversy 1:  ING NYC Marathon ditches the bag check. 

I think just about everyone in the world has now heard about this hot mess.  You can read about everyone’s concerns and points here. 

But since it’s not looking like NYRR is going to change their minds about this, we need to embrace the change!  Here are some GREAT tips on how to deal with this bait and switcharoo.

1)      Keys & Metrocard & Credit Card.  We all hate belts.  We hate fanny packs even more.  They are restricting, they hamper our breathing, and it's unfashionable.  We, the snobby elite team runners, don't do belts.  Period.  Belts are for 6+hour joggers!!  So how are we to carry all this stuff?  Easy.  GUM TAPE.  Tape your Metrocard, Credit Card and Keys to your singlet, preferably, behind your bib so you'll still look sleek and speedy!

2)      Phone. Are you kidding me?  We already spent $200 on this race.  What’s another $30 on a no-contract phone from the Best Buy conveniently located at 66th and B’way?

3)      Clothes.  Well…you will have to endure the temporary humiliation of walking around in stinky clothes covered by a disposable poncho, but as long as you stay in the Central Park vicinity pre-dusk, you won’t be mistaken for a homeless person.  So get in your stinky poncho and hull your bum over to Columbus Circle’s Time Warner Center.  It has everything you need!  From Benetton to Hugo Boss to Sephora to Running Store.  Can’t afford designer?  There’s Fashionista Maxxinista TJ Maxx on 57th and 8th Ave.  You can even window shop on your last mile to the finish line!  Again, what’s another couple hundred dollars?

4)      Food.  Sure, you burned 3000 calories running the marathon, but ate 5 packs of Gu and washed it down with a 100 calorie Gatorade per Gu.  You probably had few Gatorades independent of your Gu too.  How about breakfast?  Did you have that giant bagel pre-race?  This makes your caloric intake at about 1800, which makes the total calorie spending a mere 1200.  You didn’t even lose a full pound running the marathon.  So do you really need that 500 calorie snack?  Food is overrated anyways.  But if you must eat, there’s a Francois Payard Bakery on 57th and B’way.  Let them eat cake.

Controversy 2:  Lance Armstrong is stripped of his titles and banned from cycling and triathlons because he took man-made substances to enhance his performance, and trafficked the said substances to his team mates. 

…OMG...this is really disturbing.  You see, I pushed EFS Liquid Gels and Pre-Race to Mr. Tom.  I hooked Xena and Jenny from the Block on to 100mg Caffeine Clif Gel Shots.  None of these substances are naturally occurring and it certainly isn’t anything my body naturally produces.  It’s synthetic, artificial substances created solely to boost one’s performance.  I have promoted the use of performance enhancers and am a heavy user of said substances myself.  I better watch out or I’m going to get kicked out of USATF/NYRR!!

The strange thing is, even with performance enhancers, I haven’t been able to run a sub-3 marathon.  I tried cycling, but I haven’t been able to qualify for the Tour either…  I think there’s something called natural athletic abilities and some horrific amount of training required in the first place.